What my kilos mean to me

Lets be honest there are a lot of weight loss blogs out there about people who have lost the weight and kept it off but there are less about people losing the weight. I imagine this is because losing weight is hard; hard work, hard to work out how and it is hard to admit that...’hey I got fatter than i need to be!’

I am the queen of buying only accessories as you are never to fat for them, buying stretchy clothes so you don’t have to admit you are a size bigger than you care to admit or shopping and shopping until the size 14 jeans will do up (with a massive muffin top) rather than be a size 16 as that is beyond what you feel is acceptable for yourself.

I have spent years telling myself i don’t need to weigh as it doesn’t mean anything, I have more muscle, I hold weight all over so it shows less, I am not that big just chubby… Lets set the record straight

I am that big I am too heavy and I need to lose about 30% of my body weight.

I have spent years feeling every photo is taken from a bad angle or I tumbled dried my clothes to long and that is why they are tight. I also have lost a few pounds and fluctuated back down to an ok weight and then it has gone up again. So for the last few weeks I have been focusing on what my kilos mean to me- how did I gain them? why did I need them? and what are my drivers to get rid of them?

I love a crash diet, I love the slimming magazines, I love the promise of loosing 10 kgs in 2 months of course who doesn’t? I also have tried them all and failed. I have spent about 10 years of my life going to bed thinking I am not good enough and that tomorrow I will try harder. I got exhausted. I am tired of being the girl with the lovely smile because you cant really compliment someone on their lovely muffin top.

My kilos started coming in my early twenties. In my lates teens I got really sick with chronic fatigue and I didn’t really feel like eating, then I loved not eating. I couldn’t control how well I was but I could control how thin I was. I spent my 18th birthday crying because I knew I would have to eat cake and couldn’t avoid it. I have weighed in at under 7 stone ( at 5’6) and gone on nights out needing to drink for confidence but only wanting shots to avoid the extra calories.I have made people walk with me, not to spend time with them but, to burn extra calories. I have used laxatives and foods which upset my tummy to get rid of a large amount of food in my tummy. I have cried over binges, I have avoided nights out and meeting people because I was having a fat day. I would like to add that this has never gotten to the point that I had an eating disorder but I have flirted with all these things and suffered with disordered eating.

Whilst I was ill I was diagnosed as intolerant to this and that and everything at pretty much one point or another. I tried to stick to the diets, at first I was good, then I fell of the wagon and if I ate one bad thing why not another. I may aswell because I will start again and do it right tomorrow… right???? When you are starting again tomorrow everyday that means that everyday is a day when you fall off the wagon, ate unhealthy things and  you gain weight as I did. Exercise became tied up in this. I may feel like a run but I can’t today because I failed at my diet and need to have a bad day to start again tomorrow. Tomorrow though I will run a marathon. Naturally I cant run a marathon as I have not run in a year… I failed… aaah well I will eat cake and start again tomorrow.

Sometimes I loose weight without noticing when I am busy and distracted from the diet issues. I believe this is because I actually don’t have much of a taste for junk food and really unhealthy foods. I actually know how to eat properly, I have a bit of a passion for health. I know how to lead a healthy lifestyle, my mother is so very balanced, I just got off track and a series of unfortunate events led to the creation of some very negative habits. I like salad, I like grilled foods, I like fruit, brown rice and whole grains… I also like to punish my body with food and exercise when I feel bad.

Each kilo I have gained represents some kind of mis-treatment towards my body… I used to think that they represented too much fun, but after a few weeks of loosing properly I can confirm that eating a half portion, or having a spritzer does not lessen the fun.  I used to eat what my thinner friends ate as I thought that having it would make me more like them and not stick out more, as I already stuck out due to my extra weight.

My weight was not gained because I love food. My weight was gained because I reached to high, I was a perfectionist, the ideals were unrealistic for me and the disappointment was too hard for me. I gained because I did not have the confidence to say what I and my body needed I did what was convenient for everyone else.

How did I deal with this? well it has not just taken 3 weeks it has been changing for a long time. Firstly I admitted there was a problem, there was a problem with my wellbeing, lifestyle and energy levels and a result of this was that I was FAT. In january I quit all intensive exercise, tried to de stress and started to see a naturopath. I felt hugely guilty about spending a few hundred dollars each month on myself.  I now remind myself how ridiculous this is, you can’t buy health. With her help I have de- stressed, managed anxiety, am building up my body to deal with stress and also am taking some herbal tablets to help raise serotonin levels. I feel like myself again.

After 5 months of working like this and just trying to eat healthy I have joined weight watchers. There are a lot of healthy eating blogs where everyone eats perfectly and I have had to admit I am just not in a position to do that. I also cannot eat as much as them each day because I cannot run 10km…baby steps. I am practicing kindness towards myself, slow changes for 3 weeks I have not had any kind of eating episode where i have eaten beyond comfort or above points, my diet has been balanced ( it includes chocolate but just a freddo not a whole block) it includes cake (just 1 slice) and it has not been hard.  I have done some exercise but low-level exercise, exercise that I enjoy such as dog walking, yoga, swimming. I feel great.

Everyday is a battle. The battle for me is possibly different other overweight people who may have various reasons for being overweight. The battle for me is to remain balanced, be proud of what I am, be proud of who I am, to not set the bar so high I won’t get there, to be realistic in my expectations, to celebrate the things I do well and not just be upset about the small daily failures. If I can do this then the weight loss will follow my. In my personal case it appears to not be as I once thought that that my excess weight is not a cause of my unhappiness but that being out of balance is the cause and the weight gain is the symptom. Sticking to my weight watchers points is achievable to me so even if I don’t quite get all my veggies that day or I have something previously known as a bad food I push that out of my mind and celebrate that I kept within my points.

Since I have made these changes I feel better, I am happier, I am proud and my digestion works better as I hold less stress. I enjoy times out with my friends and I have a bit of wine, but I have a salad first. I have found more of a  balance over time the balance may change, we are ever evolving and the way I feel now compared to just 6 months ago is a huge difference.

I have a long journey to go, I have this blog to re-read and remind myself when it gets tough. I am going to enjoy the weight loss and not focus on arriving at the goal. As each kilo gained was due to mistreating my body each kilo lost is a kindness to my body. My weight is not who I am but it is part of me and I am all the wiser and happier in myself for knowing this.

I never blogged before because I always deep down thought I would fail at the weight loss. I will not now, It may take longer than anticipated, it may be harder than I ever thought, I may fall off the wagon but I CAN DO IT!

On this blog I will probably not be perfect, I will probably not be an amazing role model, I will probably not provide the best reviews and you will probably not wish to be more like me.However, I will be myself, I will commiserate failures and celebrate wins and I will work everyday to be a healthy balanced person. After all this is the ultimate goal and for me my weight is just a reflection of that in my body.

The final question.. what is driving this change. Primarily it is because I want to be the best me possibly I want this for me, secondly I want to be a mum in a few years and I want a healthy body to make a baby in, I also want to have given it my best shot to bed into a healthy lifestyle so I can be a role model and teach my children.

Follow me on the journey, tell me what your kilos mean to you, and join me. Share here and lets celebrate each others wins.



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