Sorry for another deep post but I feel like this year so much has already happened and changes in my mind have happened so I wanted to chat about it.
I started 2013 pretty triumphant after a great 2012 where I had really gotten myself into shape. Come January and I was feeling pretty darn flat. I think that I felt lost without resolutions, goals and challenges. To be honest I have always been more driven by the prize than the journey and more motivated by getting to goal than enjoying myself. The start of the year I fell back into some old habits of trying ridiculous diets and failing and I have slipped with the FODMAPS a fair bit recently.
I did keep up the exercise though and I have had a pretty stressful time of it with my job. To be honest flat does not even begin to describe how I felt at the start of the year with all of this and a lot of annoying jobs to fill my time disheartened or downright depressed may be a better description.
I have also struggled with the fact that I no longer recognise my reflection, my head thinks I am a lot larger than I am.
Anyhow, back to the present. I feel like I have ridden this wave and the tide is turning. Alongside this I have had a few realisations and all of these are things I am proud of.
1. I am a trooper, in it for the long haul and even if I don`t know where things are going I have learned to accept them, remain open to opportunity and change, chip away at it, take each day as it comes and do your best each day and ride it out…. until one day you realise you are on top of things again.
2. Although I do not recognise myself still. I talk to people about this so it is more real. Each time I don’t recognise myself I make myself look in the mirror and observe it with interest.
3. I hate eating FODMAPs. I feel crappy, my tummy hurts, my digestion is shot, I am tired and to be honest I hate feeling bad about myself.
4. In stressful times I don’t need chocolate I need sleep, love, care, exercise and full blown nutritional eating behind me…. And a bi of chocolate.
5. I can quite easily maintain my current weight on a diet including daily treats.
6. I cannot maintain health on that diet.
7. Health is more important to me. I am addicted to feeling good.
8. If you feel good you look good. SIMPLES
9. When you live a healthful lifestyle your body is given a new healthful equilibrium ( represented but not only in weight and fat).
10. you cannot pick your equilibrium. Forcing your body to be too small = BAD, being too big = BAD. Eating and exercising healthily in a way your body likes =BLISS
11. You just have to get over the fact bliss may not equal miranda kerr for you.. damn you genes!
I am pretty delighted with these realisations and feel that sometimes you need to let old habits in to prove to yourself you are no longer friends. Bingeing, FODMAPs, negative feelings towards myself we had a long relationship but sadly this is no longer working for me and you are no longer welcome in my life….
its not you its me
I have changed. I can`t be arsed wasting my energy on feeling bad about myself. I am happy to eat treats as long as I really want them and they don’t hurt my tummy ( dark chocolate and sea salt hello) if you are a FODMAP filled food I am eating for any other reason I do not want to know any longer. If you are a negative thought about myself… be gone. I am not interested…. I am a young woman doing my best. I cut other`s slack and respect them for trying and now I respect myself.
I fell off the wagon so to speak.. did i? or was it part of my journey? Did I need to do this in order to get the guts to break up with the past?
This post may not mean much to you, but it is massive to me. I am hayley, I weigh 11.5 stone and I think that I look ok. I love my life, I am proud of my body and what it can do and I want to nourish my body so it can continue to help me live life to the max.
What does your body mean to you? Have yoou ever broken up with yourself?