Well Hi folks.
This is my second attempt at the blog post. I put up the first one and took it down within an hour as I felt like a spoiled brat… very first world problems. However, this is a small problem which I am facing and however minor it may be it is affecting my life at the moment. I have always been honest on here and I am sure this must be a natural part of the weight loss program.
Basically, I have spent years being not that happy with myself. Striving for more in terms of weight loss, personal development and fitness, work based goals, savings goals etc. As you may have noticed on here I am a list based person that loves goals. I also never stop to enjoy it once I am there. I just move onto the next thing.
In january I made a series of resolutions. I have not really stuck to them. I tried a low carb diet, TWICE, because everyone else was and I felt like I should. Thinking I am not good enough and making plans or resolutions to start again is a long learned habit. For over 10 years I have been doing that. Whilst I would never say I was deeply unhappy I was never 100% happy.
Right now I am happy. I have lost 23kg and have about 8 to go to get to my named goal. To be honest people have said I am getting quite small now and maybe that will be too much. I am fitter than I have ever been. All of these changes have happened, whilst organically, over 12 months.
12 months is not a long time when you consider 10 years of planning. I don`t always recognise myself. I only read plus size fashion blogs as that is where I feel comfortable. I spent lots in the sale at asos on clothes in size 12. I thought only a few generous ones would fit and I would send the rest back. They all fit, or were a bit loose, and I kept them all. I felt sooo guilty. It has been ages since I spent on clothes, clothes which I didn`t really need I just liked.
I have had so many plans about what I would buy at goal, so many thing I put off until i was at goal and now I am close I feel really uncomfy.
Right now, I want to be with the girls at work on low carb diets, trying and failing to stick to them.I am almost jealous as it is a comfort… what I have always done. You may have noticed I have been absent from blogging a bit lately. I have just been trying to work out how I am feeling. I tried to join in and it just made me feel sick as I like eating whole food when I am hungry and stopping when I am full.
I finally have some free time on my hands and I feel guilty. I have always been a worker, always had a to do list as long as my arm and not having this bothers me. I have never had such a balanced work life profile and I know I should learn to enjoy it.
I think for now I need to scrap my resolutions. I need to make good decisions one at a time. I am keeping on counting points and trying to be healthy and low fodmap. I am exercising most days. I am chipping away at the house and I am taking time out to enjoy life. Each time I feel guilty or try and make resolutions I take a time out and pep talk myself. I feel that I am at a bit of a fragile point where I can remain positive or could slip back into old habits easily.
My weight is easily maintained,it seems, and doesn’t require me to do things I don’t enjoy. I actually don’t want to be the healthiest person on the planet I am happy living moderately. I am in a funny spot as I don’t want to drop the ball and go back to old habits but I don’t necessarily want to make more changes. I want to keep doing what I am doing… this is unchartered territory for me. What I do want to do is to make new habits which involve not waiting for life to start when I am thinner but realising I am thinner and I need to really live each day.
Apparently I know how to be bigger, I know how to loose weight but I have forgotten how to just be. That is what I am going to try and work on. So tomorrow I am doing Bikram with a friend, a couple of jobs and spending the day at the beach with a girl friend… eeep. Not staying in avoiding indulging. Indulging a little if I want to. Not feeling guilty just enjoying myself.
I will never be the thinnest, fittest or most fashionable person. As I approach 30 I am happy with who I am, obviously I am not perfect, but I am ok with being me.
From now on this blog is no longer weightloss focussed. If I loose a little more fabulous but otherwise no matter. This blog is about health, especially fodmaps, and my adventures in living life to the fullest.
Have you ever reached this point? had similar feelings? how do you deal with this?I would love some advice/ reassurance/ input